Enter the Dark Side

Most of the SAHMommas are pretty much looking forward and will probably come together, hi-fiving & rejoice with fellow SAHMommas – for all the younglings will be out of the house and be back to normal school routine in less than a week’s time! So *WoooHoo!! Mommas!*

This June hols has been filled with books, books, a few days of sleepover for our eight year old and more books! My mission of getting the girls to stay away from the Telly seemed to work pretty alright.

However, we’re still faced with a couple more challenges like – the elder one doesn’t seem to show any interest in reading up our mother tongue books. We tried with comic types – surprisingly she loved LAT’s Kampong Boy. She read a couple more comics – I’m just happy for as long as she read anything!

But by end of 3rd week, she totally lost the steam in trying to please me with the reading.

A week ago, I personally felt so lost. I lost control of everything in my life. I couldn’t focus on anything! I couldn’t even write a sentence without criticizing myself! All I wanted to do was just to sleep, indulge in reading excessively, I didn’t wanna talk to anyone. Not a soul.

It hurt me a lot and my family too. I was so blinded by my darkside that I couldn’t even feel the love my family’s been showering me all these while!

I’ve excluded myself from the outside world so much till I have no where else to turn to but to the Almighty above. It had been such a humbling experience, a whole lot of looking within me thru different eyes.

I had a hard time loving myself. I’ve allowed my negative thoughts to criticize my own soul. As I seek the Almighty’s guiding light, putting my faith to His work of wonder, little by little, I started to communicate with a trusted friend. From that night on, after numerous WhatsApp messages sent, I began to gain moments of normalcy – which I missed so terribly.

Like little energy packs given to my soul, the loud negative, self-critizing voices that bothered me for nearly three weeks finally quietened down. That gave me baby-confidence to face my fears. I didn’t know what to say, how to react, respond, reply.. I had nothing left in me but just the honest truth.

Through that, I realise a lot more honest truth within me started to unfold. It was hard but I know and I choose to.. I WANT to – change forever in this lifetime.

I was like Vitaly in Madagascar 3.

So I got tired with reading. With a calmer state of mind, I was able to find new outlet for Inspiration. I also gained my self-esteem and allowed my creative self work it’s wonder – Miraculously, I found back my smiles, warm happy feelings inside of me, my kids laughed wholeheartedly a lot more too.

And I felt a certain kinda happiness now towards that one person I have neglected after all these years – my other half.

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