The humid still air woke me from my slumber. It was 2am when I tossed & turned and now it’s nearly 4am.
Tomorrow will be my daughters’ first introduction to religious knowledge class and they’re both very excited about it. Naturally, I feel the same way too. It’s a lil mish-mash of the great possibilities ahead for them and the negative reminders of my own childhood failure(s) which I have been carrying on my shoulder for my entire lifetime (so far) seem to bother me right now.
Life is a journey. It’s a process and is a living growing ‘thing’. So I have learnt to let go of my past negatives – well some of it perhaps.
As I spend this waking hours trying to find out more about the school, I stumbled upon a no. of interesting blogs by our local girls. – it has all inspired me. Moved me to tears. Awaken my Innerchild and it made me weep.
As my tears gushed out of me, sudden flashback of all childhood moments came flashing through my mind. For a moment, my whole senses were filled with anger, frustration, inadequacy, hatred, disgust and so in need of comfort. I felt so lonely.
My Innerchild craved for comfort. The loneliness is just a product of my own lack of trust issues I’ve been ignoring.
In a perfect scenario, I would probably run out to get a hug from my once-upon-a-kismet who’s prolly still watching his football game or fell asleep with his computer football game still on.. But life is never perfect for me. So that didn’t happen.
I did what I know best. Cried in the dark till my pillow’s all soaked. And then attempting to blog out whatever comes to mind – its just my way of release.
I’m pretty much indulging in my Innerchild right now but I promise – that it’ll only be for the next 5mins. I’ve lost too much time doing all that for years! Now that I’m beginning to look and feel aged (especially since the past few weeks), I’ve been keeping in check with my own emotions, feelings & personal growth/progress by living my daily life in a lot more conscious ways. I want to. I need to. I desire to see my life lived successfully in my own terms. As well as to see my children’s and future generation’s lives moving ahead as it should and will be.
With that I shall keep my personal thoughts in my head for the moment. I shall re-focus my energy where it should be. But firsf, I need to get that much needed sleep for another two hours or so before I kick myself in the butt again for entertaining this Innerchild, negative thoughts etc.
I’ve acknowledged my own shortcomings and all the lacking of opportunities that were never given to me by my folks. *Breathe In* “I acknowledge my anger and frustration towards them and I’m gonna let it go.. Just let it go.. I’m letting it go..” *Breathe Out*